This is Some 'Best Litte Whorehouse in Texas' Shit

The sexy French maid fantasy is one of the oldest in the books, but the idea of wearing a bra, panties and heels to scrub a toilet while your employer leers from behind some tacky ass cider block glass wall — that's not even cute in a porn.

Frankly, I don't even know where to begin with this ad. Is it worse that the man who's doing the hiring wants the same girl who bleaches his dingy whites and scrubs his shower to give him a deep tissue massage once a week, or that he thinks cryteria is spelled with a y? I mean, this dude's paying $40 an hour for a mayd in Florida. The fact that you do wyndows don't even begin to cover the lytany of things this perv's gonna ask you to do before pay day. Don't forget - he's kicking in an extra $10 for gas so you don't have to ride the bus in that hot mess of an outfit from Hustler he's no doubt gonna make you spring for with your first pay out. Plus this shit's in Broward County, which mean's if he's a real sick fuck, the AC's gonna be on the fritz your first day on the job, leaving you no choice but to strip down to your dainties and give him what he's really looking for.

Do yourself a favor. If you're hot enough to make $40 an hour to clean someone's house in your panties, you're hot enough to make $50 an hour from the comfort of your own living room — and all you need there is a webcam and a PayPal account.

Do You Have a Webcam and Wi-Fi?

If you see "Work Hard, Play Hard" on an OK! Cupid profile and the guy looks hot enough, you might send an email. But you ain't gonna fire up your cover letter writing skills and update the ole' Linked In profile for a job listing that starts with that phrase and under "Compensation" lists a number in the 702 (Las Vegas, folks).

Want to know what you'd be doing? So do we. Unfortunately, the job listing only offers that this is a "no experience necessary" position and as long as you own a computer, they'll train the right person.

Fuck the cover letter. You don't even need a resume. We got this. Grab your iPhone and a jock strap and head to a well lit corner of your house. Think about that one time you banged those German twins in Cabo and when it's nice and stiff, get to clicking. "Curtis" will shoot you an email back if you're the right fit.

Actually, we shouldn't assume this is a gay exclusive opportunity. Email Curtis and ask him what his favorite movie is and what brand of lube he prefers. 2 Fast, 2 Furious and KY means men need not apply and you ladies just skipped to the front of the line. Either way, an opportunity like this won't last forever. In fact, you've probably only got a couple hours before Craig's List yanks it down, so oil up and get to snapping. (xo Turner)

Wanted: Jessica Simpson/Jessica Alba hybrid with the talents of Skat Kat's Dance Partner

Listing: Sexy UpsCaLe Lady GOGO this Fri/Sat (Studio City - Ventura Blvd.)

Nothing screams the epitome of kla$$ like capitalizing the C and the L in a listing for an UpsCaLe hooker GOGO dancer for a one weekend only gig in the valley. For a whopping $60 bucks (each night, so if you work Friday and Saturday you can pay your Verizon bill), you too can spend the weekend being motor boated by a bunch of middle aged fucks who just closed down happy hour at Buffalo Wild Wings.

The creator of this post doesn't want just any kind of girl to work a pole. He's got specific tastes. The tits of Jessica Simpson, a subtle hint of ethnicity like Jessica Alba, and just for the taste of it, a girl who can shuffle off to Buffalo like Paula Abdul. And because this guy is used to dealing with only the finest dance talent the San Fernando Valley has to offer, the job listing makes sure to note to please indicate if your phone receives texts. So if you're used to doing business by pager or rotary, this gig is not for you.

Sixty bucks? The compensation section of this ad should really say "a wash" cuz ur gonna need $60 worth of Hornitos to deal with this deadbeat crowd. Still, you'll probably make some extra in tips,  cuz you know every middle class, 40-something dude in the valley loves nothing more than to slide his hand down the front of a g-string while he attempts to rub the sweat soaked, wadded up Washington he found in his gym shorts between your cheeks.

If you're still on the fence about this once in a lifetime opportunity, allow Paula to cast the deciding vote. (Thx Lisa T.)

DO YOU HAVE DIABETES TYPES 2? IS YOUR ASTHMA UNCONTROLLED? DO YOU SUFFER FROM BIPOLAR DISORDER?

I'm going to skip right over the fact that there is no such thing as "Types 2" diabetes (OK, I'm not gonna skip over it, this is a fucking listing, why don't you read your damn entry?). Since when is suffering from diabetes, asthma or bipolar disorder a career? I've got split personalities — I'm a Gemini. Where's my 401K? Wanna pay me 75 big ones a year to be mildly insulin dependent and not overload on Gummi Worms? Sign me up. And no, I don't have uncontrolled asthma, but my allergies go bat shit crazy this time of year and when I can't catch my breath it sounds like a wheeze, plus I used to do youth theater, so I can act like I have asthma. Hell, I'll be your employee of the fucking year if you offer a competitive benefits package.

None of that shit's on my resume. Why? Cuz they're not jobs, ass hole. Don't be posting this shit in the Medical Care section of the Craig's List job boards like it's some kind of career opportunity. This is a down economy. You start advertising you're looking to add sick folk to the payroll, before you can say "One Touch changes everything," a bunch of type twos will be lined up around the block trying to become type ones. Up to $1,500 just to be bipolar? Patty Duke's on line one.

NOT A JOB, FOLKS. NOT A JOB.

Can you operate a black light? Can you spot first signs of an overdose? Melrose Spa is hiring.

Jennifer Love Hewitt makes the rubdowns seem downright sexy on The Client List. But the only rubdown you'll want after your first shift at Melrose Spa is a Silkwood shower with a loofah doused in Fabuloso. Melrose Spa is hiring for cashiers (i.e. telling strung out queens their Ralphs Rewards Cards ain't good there), floor attendants (holding black lights up to beds to see if they're clean enough for one more round), and security guards (who doesn't want to carry a fire arm in an enclosed space filled with poppers and crack pipes?).

If you work the graveyard shift, you make more money. Translation — if you work the shift in which people actually go to a bathhouse, and you don't mind dealing with the occasional DAILY overdose for an extra buck seventy-five an hour, then you and Andy Dick have found your dream job.