Wanted: Jessica Simpson/Jessica Alba hybrid with the talents of Skat Kat's Dance Partner

Listing: Sexy UpsCaLe Lady GOGO this Fri/Sat (Studio City - Ventura Blvd.)

Nothing screams the epitome of kla$$ like capitalizing the C and the L in a listing for an UpsCaLe hooker GOGO dancer for a one weekend only gig in the valley. For a whopping $60 bucks (each night, so if you work Friday and Saturday you can pay your Verizon bill), you too can spend the weekend being motor boated by a bunch of middle aged fucks who just closed down happy hour at Buffalo Wild Wings.

The creator of this post doesn't want just any kind of girl to work a pole. He's got specific tastes. The tits of Jessica Simpson, a subtle hint of ethnicity like Jessica Alba, and just for the taste of it, a girl who can shuffle off to Buffalo like Paula Abdul. And because this guy is used to dealing with only the finest dance talent the San Fernando Valley has to offer, the job listing makes sure to note to please indicate if your phone receives texts. So if you're used to doing business by pager or rotary, this gig is not for you.

Sixty bucks? The compensation section of this ad should really say "a wash" cuz ur gonna need $60 worth of Hornitos to deal with this deadbeat crowd. Still, you'll probably make some extra in tips,  cuz you know every middle class, 40-something dude in the valley loves nothing more than to slide his hand down the front of a g-string while he attempts to rub the sweat soaked, wadded up Washington he found in his gym shorts between your cheeks.

If you're still on the fence about this once in a lifetime opportunity, allow Paula to cast the deciding vote. (Thx Lisa T.)